I don't love you anymore. Goodbye...

So the other day I was talking to someone one I know, and  he was telling me how he had dated someone for 9 years and they had broken up. I made the face I always make when someone tells me they've been dating someone for like 5 years or something and they broke up. The thing I just never understand is how you can walk away from someone you've been with THAT long. How do you love someone for that long and then you just don't? Where does all that love go is my problem?! Can you just wake up one morning and not be in love with someone anymore? 

Personally, I've never been in a relationship that's lasted longer than 3 years but I remember at some point desperately wanting to be that person who had dated someone for years and years because somehow I thought that mean't that they were my someone, because why would I date someone that long for it to mean nothing in the end. Anyway, because of this, at some point I ended up dating someone longer than I should have because I wanted to know what that was like. That was obviously a bad idea. More than anything though I wanted to find out what relationships like that entail because I had always been someone who didn't really stick around for the 'hard' times in relationships. By hard times I mean staying with someone who had cheated on me to try and "work it out" or anything else really that I found to be completely annoying. I always figured that if this annoys me now, how much more will it annoy me 5, 10 years down the line? So rather just cut my losses now right and find someone who doesn't do things that annoy me. I'm simplifying it too much here though, I don't mean random things like leaving the toilet seat up or chewing with their mouth open, they were serious things I won't go into here! One of the reasons I'm like this is because of what my mom told me years ago about getting married. She told me once that whatever things the person you're dating does that you don't like and you think they will stop doing once you get married, you can forget about it, once you're married they'll probably do it 10 to the power of 5. For those of you who didn't do maths, that's 10x10x10x10x10! Just imagine!!

But as I learned from that relationship is that people really do just break up, like people who have been married for 25 years getting a divorce, people who have dated for 5 years or ten years do just break up! And I don't know if it's because they stopped loving each other or maybe the love just wasn't enough. 
And when is love not enough you ask? Well I guess when loving someone hurts. And being with them brings nothing but heartache. And you realize that you have to love yourself more than them and walk away. 

I'm sure some would argue that you don't leave someone you still love, I guess it's up to the individual anyhow, what you can deal with. Another person will stay with someone just because they can't bear to see them with someone else. Another might stay because they don't think they can get someone better or that that person is all they deserve in this life of sin. Or just the familiarity I guess, the routine that you've gotten used to, seems unimaginable to no longer be doing those things. Or the trouble of actually breaking up. On its own though it's just a pain let's admit. Especially if you are deeply involved in each others lives, have the same friends, your family knows them and vice versa...I won't even go into the part of having a kid together!

Alice (Natalie Portman's character in Closer) said the only way to leave is to tell the person you don't love them anymore, goodbye. And Dan asked her and if you still love them, what happens then, and she said then you don't leave. You don't leave someone you love. 
Yes? No? Maybe?!

**** I wrote this while watching Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider is a really bad movie!****

When I got dumped

Generally women are not the ones who are broken up with, they usually whip out the "We need to talk", "It's not you, it's me" ..."But, we can still be friends" lines and men, I would assume, are kinda used to being dumped so although it might hurt and it could be earth shattering, it's hardly ever unexpected. So I never thought I would actually get dumped, the thought of it seemed embarrassing somehow, like something I should be ashamed of, because things like that don't happen to nice girls but it happened to me. I can't really say it was humbling because while it was happening, I'm pretty sure I thought life as I knew it was over. My ego had nothing to do with the pain, my first instinct was probably to try and fix it. Which can be a little difficult when you didn't actually do anything wrong. Getting dumped simply because they like someone else more than they like you. There really is no quick fix for that. No apology or bunch of red roses would do the trick. 

In this particular instance when you are the dumper (the one who dumps) you mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the eventual end of the relationship and so by the time it happens you're cool you know coz you've made peace with it and gotten all your necessary closure and possibly even have another gig lined up (another conquest or suitor). But, when you are the dumpee (the one being dumped), you generally don't see it coming, don't have the time to prepare for it and the shock to your system can be pretty mind numbing. For me it felt like, you know how supposedly you kill vampires by ripping their hearts out of their chests? Well that was me, like someone had literally grabbed my heart out of my chest and was holding it in their hand & squeezing really hard. Or perhaps, for those of you who have asthma, like when you have an asthma attack and it feels like someone is squeezing your lungs real tight and so you just start crying coz you don't know what else to do to show how much pain you're in. And that's what I did, I cried and cried and cried. I think I cried everyday for two weeks. I would cry myself to sleep at night and then wake up in the morning and remember I had been dumped and start crying again. Like clockwork, everyday! I would randomly start crying while walking to/from class and I didn't even care who was watching. The tears would just start dripping out of me, like there was a switch in my brain that would remember how much it all hurt hahahahahaha I laugh now but it wasn't funny then. I don't know what made me stop crying but one day I woke up and the tears weren't there. And I stopped.

That's the great thing about time though! It heals! I could never go back to that moment and feel that pain again as it was. Now it's just a memory of something that happened, of a story I like telling people to remind them that nothing is permanent. And as much as anything hurts right now, today...tomorrow it's gonna hurt less until it just doesn't anymore. 

 

Anyway, I was doing my 1st year in varsity when this happened and I would love to say I'm so much more wiser now and I would never cry over a dude for two weeks because I'm a grown-up but as the Wizard of Oz said to the Tin man: Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 

I think the worst thing about being the dumpee in this particular instance is that well you have nothing to fix really, you can't be a better you, or make the other person the dumper is leaving you for less interesting to the dumper. It's easy if perhaps you cheated or there has been a gradual deterioration of the relationship, coz then it's not a surprise, like an earthquake. I honestly think that person has made up their mind by then and nothing you say or do can make them stay. I really don't think people wake up one morning and randomly decide they are breaking up with someone, there's a build-up, a behind the scenes moment that you just don't know about. 

Anyway, writing this made me remember this one line from a song I love by Rachael Yamagata called 'Elephants'

"So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night."

I think that's pretty sound advice from one dumpee to another ;-)

 

 

You're not my friend anymore!

A situation a friend of mine found herself in today reminded me of the time one of my friends basically decided to literally "break-up" with another friend of ours. Just like how a romantic relationship comes to an end, this friend decided that she no longer wanted to have anything to do with this other friend, and so she sat her down and well...dumped her!
I know this might sound dramatic but it kind of really was, it was a serious thing because this was a friend that she spent most of her time with on campus. They had the same classes everyday, hung out during free periods, loved each other and everything. People thought they were best friends even but one of them no longer liked the fact that the ones reputation was somehow being associated with her. Even when she wasn't at a certain place, people would assume she was because they saw the other girl. And she really began to hate this as for one, they actually had very different lifestyles and were very different people but had somehow stuck together since well when they started in first year they had known each other in high school. 

From what I've observed men and women make friends very differently. For one, I think guys can just become friends by drinking together and somehow a friendship gets formed out of that. But for women it's not always so easy. Generally we will be concerned about the type of person you are, whether we have similar interests etc. But at times it can happen that you become friends with someone out of sheer convenience. As in, in any other setting, you would not be friends, but since you're kind of stuck together in a particular environment, you become friends. And usually as soon that condition no longer prevails you find yourself wondering why you are friends and usually just drift apart. I guess this particular friend of mine really just couldn't wait for the eventual death of this friendship and she took matters into her own hands. There has only been one occasion for me personally where I had to tell someone I could no longer be their friend but I won't get into the complicatedness of that situation. So I really can't be a judge of what is one to do when they come to a point of having to break-up with a friend because their relationship just doesn't work for them anymore. I mean, is it even necessary? Or should you just wait it out and let them get the hint when you no longer invite them out or try to keep in contact with them? Would they even get the hint? Or is it fair to perhaps tell your friend how they are hurting you as in a grown-up relationship and see if they are interested in making amends or not?

The closest relationships I've had with women can honestly be paralleled with romantic relationships, minus the romance of course. When I was in high school I had this friend of mine and we called each other 'Friend mates' kind of as a substitute for 'Soul Mates' because we cared that much about each other & thought we were destined to be friends. Anyway,we drifted apart somewhere down the line & I can't remember the last time I spoke to her.  I have only ever been able to have one best friend at a time, I do have other close friends but I just need one person who I know will be there no matter what and I don't really care if the other friends in my life are unreliable, I will just make it a point to be unreliable in their lives as well. 
I've also not had an experience of being in a huge group of friends because I just like to keep my circle tight like that. There are disadvantages of this though because you can suddenly find yourself having to make new friends because none of the people in your circle are physically around you anymore. This happened to me when my best friend moved to another city and I suddenly realized how I hadn't bothered to make any other friends because she was always around & we did everything together. And I wasn't dating anyone at the time so it made it infinitely worse. Anyway, I can't say even now, 3 years later, that I've made a conscious effort to make friends in light of this situation I found myself in but I have made a good friend or two since then,not as a replacement, but additions to my circle of friends. But like being in a romantic relationship, there are just things you miss doing with your friends, like hanging out with them, knowing they are there to talk to and that they will understand your exact kind of neurosis. Just like you miss being in romantic relationship, for reasons similar to those. 

But friendships do end as with romantic relationships but at least with the romantic relationship you usually have a clear reason why unless there are really people out there who break up with people by just disappearing from their lives without a real explanation. I hope not. With a friendship you can generally just drift apart from someone & somehow find them not being around & you just accept it and move on. I recently reconnected with a friend of mine that I drifted apart from and we both can't remember why. We were really good friends in high school & my mom would ask me every now again where she is & how come I'm not friends with her anymore & I never had an answer. She's not the only friend that this has happened with. Mostly high school friends though. And I guess people will say that we changed and grew apart, you know reasons like that but I honestly can't remember there ever being a definitive reason for why those friendships ended. And if you do reconnect with those people, is it naive to think that those friendships could go back to the way they were? Anyway, I'm going to try with this one friend of mine because when I saw her recently, I realized how much I had missed her. 

Anyway, what I was really getting at here was really more a question of when is it OK to officially give up on a friendship and be like hey man, I no longer want to know you, I no longer want to be your friend so get to steppin'...
Must there be a big confrontation where you have it all out or should you just quietly disappear from their lives and one day they'll wake up and you're gone and they will just have to deal with it? 
I don't know, for me it would depend on the person and the reasons why I felt we could no longer be friends...there are some people I would try to give an explanation to and there are some who I'd just walk away from. 

Either way, be good to your friends, don't treat them like crap but unlike family that you are stuck with, you choose them & so they generally are a reflection of you so choose them wisely. 

You are what you love, not what loves you!

The more I think about it, the more I realize how it's kind of a weird notion of how we are supposed to just stop loving someone. I mean, how do you? The more I think about it, the more I realize the only way we can do that is if we never loved them at all in the first place. You just liked them...a lot! 
But then sometimes I also struggle with the idea of being IN love and just loving someone? A few years ago I thought I understood this concept and I told my then boyfriend, how I still loved my ex boyfriend but I wasn't IN love with him anymore. This made perfect sense to me and I expected him to understand that I couldn't just switch it off, I didn't know how to and to pretend that I could was just a blatant lie. I doubt I would have taken it well if someone had said that to me back then but the grown up in me now gets it. In a perfect world the people we love and are in love with would never have loved anyone else but us. We would be their first everything. It's a very romantic idea isn't it?! And I'm sure there are some people in reality who have experienced this but I'm not entirely sure I would want to be one of them. In the relationships I've been in I've experienced varying degrees of love in its different forms even. There's been unconditional love, toxic love, messy love, I-want-to-be-with-you-forever kinda love and well...I-kinda-like-you-so-let's-hang-out kinda love. It all felt like great love though at the time it was happening and I probably thought it was never going to end until it did, for whatever reason. And getting to experience each of those different intensity's of love was fun for me in its own way because it was MY love, I owned it and nobody could take it away. Watching an episode of CSI a long time ago Gil Grissom once said a line about what/who you love is a reflection of yourself and I took that quite seriously, that's why I genuinely believe that I learnt something about myself in each of those situations that I otherwise would have never known. 

There's a movie I watched a few years ago with my friends called 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. In this movie this couple undergo this procedure to erase each other from their memories after they break up. And I will forever love this movie because there have been so many times when I wished that device to erase someone from my memory was real Lol And particularly because I wish I could at least be the one who decides what memories my mind keeps because honestly I never understand why it decides to keep the ones it keeps. 
Anyway, breaking up is never fun, even when you were the one who wanted it. And it's always so crazy to imagine that at some point that person was all you ever wanted and now you're hoping that you never see them again and you have bad dreams about bumping into them, and you hate anything and everything that reminds you of them. Anyway, this only lasts for a little while I think, like some kind of post-break up TRAUMA that your mind experiences until you get over the whole ordeal and you're on to your next victim. 

And then there's that whole concept of soul mates! I know I used to believe in soul mates, I'm not entirely sure when I stopped. I'm not entirely sure even right now if I've stopped believing in soul mates or maybe I've settled on the idea of you just find someone and you make it work? I can't really say that I have an answer yet. My friend once told me about this theory though that in life we have three 'plugs'. These are three people in life that you have a genuine shot at being truly in love with and if you don't make it work with those 3 people then it's over for you. You would have to settle for mediocre love. But the problem I have with this is how really are you to know the 3 plugs without letting all of them go or something and then reflecting back to realize that they were the ONES? And maybe I'm also being naive in not mentioning that well love alone does not always sustain a relationship. But I won't dwell too much on that...not today anyway.

Anywho, what I really wanted to say was, you are what you love, not what loves you! Regardless of what that other person decides to do with your love, it's really not your business. Much like that saying "What you think about me is none of my business" or something to that effect. It's YOUR love, you own it!!

Invest in Love

When I was in high school my best friend shared an article with me that was in  O Magazine, it spoke about how as people we have different "currencies". The currency the article spoke about wasn't actually about money but essentially it was trying to illustrate that as people we value different things & because of this we will not always feel like someone cares about us when they are not using our own currency to show us that they care. For example, my major currency is time, if I like you or care about you I will go out of my way to make time for you. Actually, it happens automatically, I will tend to just WANT to spend time with you and do things with you. So if someone does not reciprocate this behaviour, it always feels like they don't care. Probably a lot of people have the same currency as me and this would become even more important to someone who does not actually have a lot of time to spare to see how it is they spend their time. Other people's currency is actual money! They equate you spending money on them as a way for you to show them that you care about them. But then, this sometimes makes me wonder if well someone has a lot of money anyway, does it actually mean anything if they spend money on you? Or perhaps they are merely "buying" your affection? I don't know...

In this article they spoke about the 5 languages of love, since then I've seen several books written on the topic. I can't actually recall all 5 of them but I remember: quality time, words of affection, buying gifts or something, and something about touching (meaning some people like being touched affectionately and kissed etc). I'm sure most of us have also heard the phrase quite a few times about how if someone doesn't love you the way you want it doesn't mean that they don't love you. Basically saying that because I don't use your currency or language of love, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. So essentially the key is to learn that person's method of showing love so you know when they are showing it and you don't feel slighted because they don't tell you that they love you everyday for you to feel loved.
Having said all that and knowing it, I still judge people on my  own currency. I can't help it. I make a lot of decisions about the people I have in my life based on this. Time. Do I have your attention? Do I have your time? And if I feel that I don't, I do assume that you don't care and that you have better things to do with your time, which I am not part of.
Obviously people can have more than one currency sometimes, it can be a combination of things. Words of affection are nice, I mean who doesn't like being told they are beautiful? Or that they are loved?
The difficulty in this lies in the constantly remembering what the other person's currency is. With some people in my life I need to constantly remind myself not to misinterpret their actions as them not caring, they just don't love that way or express their emotions how I do. So it becomes important not to judge people with YOUR ruler but to judge them with theirs. It is a hard thing to do, because your first instinct is always to whip out your ruler and say well if you cared about me you would tell me you love me everyday, or you would spend all your time with me, or you would buy me gifts and flowers and tell me you miss me all the time. Sometimes, you should consider that the person loves you the only way they KNOW how to love. And as individuals we learn how to love from different places: our parents, friends, family, romantic relationships...
I guess what I'm trying to say is similar to what I learned from a friend of mine, I don't know if she was right but it makes an awful lot of sense to me. She said to me that God can only judge you on what you know. It's one thing to do something wrong not knowing that it's wrong but once you find out it's wrong and you make a decision to keep doing it then that's something else. And actually this applies to relationships with people as well I think. If you do something that someone doesn't like and they don't make it a point to tell you that hey, I don't appreciate A,B and C and you keep doing it, it's not really your fault until they tell you. If you then decide to keep doing it anyway, then it becomes your problem.

Having said all that about learning other people's currencies, I think it's also important to show you care by showing them using THEIR currency. And, if they are decent human beings, they will really appreciate it. Me and my friend were recently speaking about this, and she shared with me how she trades cuddles with her boyfriend for things he wants done and I laughed because I trade kisses with mine because that's what I respond to. This came about when I was asking her if it's possible to change someone's currency for example to something that you understand and respond to. And she said she doesn't know but there are ways where you can try to teach someone what your currency is.  

Anyway, I wrote this because I had forgotten that as people we don't love the same. I had to remind myself again, because  I do forget, and I will get upset and feel unappreciated. So I'm reminding you as well, in case you forgot today like me.

Twenty-Five...

So, I finally turned 25 and all that was on my mind those last few hours was...I need to watch Finding Nemo Lol I know some of you might have expected something deeper like I was sitting there staring into the sunset thinking about where my life is going now that I was in my mid-20s. Well I wasn't, all I had in my mind was Nemo and the reason for that being that I was trying to do more things on the list of 25 things to do before I turn 25. I wish I could say I did very well on this list, but no, I wasn't able to complete it like I anticipated but all is not lost, I'm turning 30 in 5 years time so I have a few more years to come up with an even better list. Maybe next time I'll give myself more time though, a month was a little rushed. Anyway, here's an update:

Number 1 *drum roll please* I GOT MY DRIVERS LICENCE!!!!!! :-) After taking a whole box of calmettes for my nerves, and sweating in the furious Durban heat practising my parking, on the 25th of January, I passed my drivers licence test. I would post a picture of it but I look like a convict in my temporary drivers licence and today I picked up my drivers licence card and I look even worse so no, I will spare you the horror hahahahaha! The only thing that could have possibly beat the euphoria of this one was maybe finishing my Masters thesis, which was no.2 on the list. Still have not finished it but ya, I don't even wanna comment on this anymore, I'm just gonna do it!!

#3. I was all set and ready to watch Finding Nemo. I had it streamed it on my laptop during the day, ready for me to watch later and then bang: NO EAR PHONES :( My laptop speakers were broken at the time and I needed earphones to be able to hear sound but my boyfriend had borrowed them that day and forgot to give them back so I STILL don't know how Nemo was found. 

#4. I managed to drive to Pietermaritzburg on my own, went more than once actually. The first time, I just decided to surprise my mother one Sunday and pitched in the morning. It made me appreciate all those trips she's made to Durban taking me to varsity and picking me up, so much more after she made me pick my little cousin up from home when she had to return to campus after the vac.

#5. I totally wasn't able to go a day without social networks, I'm not sure I even tried Lol

#6. I think I succeeded like ONCE at waking up at 7am...I failed dismally at this but in my defence I sleep really late and, and...and nothing, I just can't.

#7. I was winning at this and I was so proud of myself but a few days before my birthday I succumbed to the temptation when I had a deadline to meet and just needed to chew gum, hard!

#8. I substituted fizzy drinks for Vitamin Water, which ended up being an obsession but it's healthier right so...

#9. I did dye my hair but it wasn't as radical as I thought it would be, was quite subtle. I think I washed my hair too quickly after applying the dye but I was actually just worried my hair might fall out hahahahahaha

#10. No vision board! I didn't even try :(

#11. This one was also actually pretty awesome because it so happened that AFCON was being played in South Africa this year and after watching the first game at the stadium I was hooked. So much fun!! AND it helped that the national team won their game (they don't usually win games). I was also convinced that I was their good luck charm until they lost in the semi-finals or was it quarter finals, I can't be sure, I was just so happy to be there. 

#12. I did NOT make it to church every Sunday :(

#13. As of today I have 406 followers on Twitter WITHOUT participating in #FollowFriday Lol

#14. I hadn't received Ayanda's letter when I wrote this list and when I got it I was sooooo happy, it came exactly on my birthday actually so I couldn't reply before I turned 25. But I'm definitely replying. 

#15. I DID NOT STOP BEING STUBBORN!

#16, 17 and 18. Did not take the train in the Durban or do a full medical exam OR drink 8 glasses of water everyday.

#19. I did start a blog, you're reading it and you're gonna share it with your all friends and family :)

#20. I managed to delete as many people as I could on my facebook that I didn't actually know. More than just deleting people I don't know, really it was people who don't know me, invite me on facebook and then nothing, they never comment on a single status, or picture or ANYTHING...I guess they just figured they were so interesting that I had to know them Lol. I'm down to 769 from 1086.

#21. Mbali Gee got to be the person I called that I haven't spoken to in over a year, it also helped that it was her birthday, which made it even better.

#22. The stranger I bought lunch for wasn't exactly the stranger I had in my mind actually. I was hoping to get it for a homeless person. It ended up being a girl I had met in the res TV room. 

#23. Sadly, I still don't know how to change a car tyre BUT I think I can redeem  myself on this one because I got car AND tyre insurance for my car and they tell me all I need to do is call them for assistance so I won't need to. 

#24. Yay...I have started learning to programme with R. Gives me a headache at times but I'm trying...

#25. Yeah, I didn't drive to Joburg, driving to Pietermaritzburg from Durban was more than enough for me at the moment. 

Well that's that for now...look out for another one in like 4 years when I'm 29 eeeeek!!

Dear Human

To me, the best thing about being human has to be that at any moment, we can be born again. We make mistakes in life, disappoint people who love us, feel lost and alone and lose faith in everything we believe in but out of all that hurt somehow there comes a moment when you can start over. The thing I love most about the rain, especially when it's been raining for days and everything looks dulls, is the moment it stops raining and that first ray of sunlight comes shining through. I wish there was a picture I could put to show but I think we've all seen it and maybe, some of us just didn't take the time to take it in and appreciate it. At that moment everything looks fresh and new, like a new beginning, pretty much like it was born again. 

As human beings, I truly believe we get opportunities to be born again. After you have messed up, and things have gone horribly wrong, you always have a chance to start over SOMEHOW.  It might not always be in the same space you were in or exactly the same way you had imagined or wanted it to be but it's important to realize that change isn't always a bad thing, it's just an opportunity for each one of us live and learn and grow, and continue to love.

My friend sent me this this morning, I thought it was perfect for how I'm feeling right now. Which is, I have renewed faith in that, well I'm not getting things horribly wrong, I'm flawed and fabulous and that's ok. And even though sometimes I forget, it's always a great feeling when I remember again :-)