You are what you love, not what loves you!

The more I think about it, the more I realize how it's kind of a weird notion of how we are supposed to just stop loving someone. I mean, how do you? The more I think about it, the more I realize the only way we can do that is if we never loved them at all in the first place. You just liked them...a lot! 
But then sometimes I also struggle with the idea of being IN love and just loving someone? A few years ago I thought I understood this concept and I told my then boyfriend, how I still loved my ex boyfriend but I wasn't IN love with him anymore. This made perfect sense to me and I expected him to understand that I couldn't just switch it off, I didn't know how to and to pretend that I could was just a blatant lie. I doubt I would have taken it well if someone had said that to me back then but the grown up in me now gets it. In a perfect world the people we love and are in love with would never have loved anyone else but us. We would be their first everything. It's a very romantic idea isn't it?! And I'm sure there are some people in reality who have experienced this but I'm not entirely sure I would want to be one of them. In the relationships I've been in I've experienced varying degrees of love in its different forms even. There's been unconditional love, toxic love, messy love, I-want-to-be-with-you-forever kinda love and well...I-kinda-like-you-so-let's-hang-out kinda love. It all felt like great love though at the time it was happening and I probably thought it was never going to end until it did, for whatever reason. And getting to experience each of those different intensity's of love was fun for me in its own way because it was MY love, I owned it and nobody could take it away. Watching an episode of CSI a long time ago Gil Grissom once said a line about what/who you love is a reflection of yourself and I took that quite seriously, that's why I genuinely believe that I learnt something about myself in each of those situations that I otherwise would have never known. 

There's a movie I watched a few years ago with my friends called 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. In this movie this couple undergo this procedure to erase each other from their memories after they break up. And I will forever love this movie because there have been so many times when I wished that device to erase someone from my memory was real Lol And particularly because I wish I could at least be the one who decides what memories my mind keeps because honestly I never understand why it decides to keep the ones it keeps. 
Anyway, breaking up is never fun, even when you were the one who wanted it. And it's always so crazy to imagine that at some point that person was all you ever wanted and now you're hoping that you never see them again and you have bad dreams about bumping into them, and you hate anything and everything that reminds you of them. Anyway, this only lasts for a little while I think, like some kind of post-break up TRAUMA that your mind experiences until you get over the whole ordeal and you're on to your next victim. 

And then there's that whole concept of soul mates! I know I used to believe in soul mates, I'm not entirely sure when I stopped. I'm not entirely sure even right now if I've stopped believing in soul mates or maybe I've settled on the idea of you just find someone and you make it work? I can't really say that I have an answer yet. My friend once told me about this theory though that in life we have three 'plugs'. These are three people in life that you have a genuine shot at being truly in love with and if you don't make it work with those 3 people then it's over for you. You would have to settle for mediocre love. But the problem I have with this is how really are you to know the 3 plugs without letting all of them go or something and then reflecting back to realize that they were the ONES? And maybe I'm also being naive in not mentioning that well love alone does not always sustain a relationship. But I won't dwell too much on that...not today anyway.

Anywho, what I really wanted to say was, you are what you love, not what loves you! Regardless of what that other person decides to do with your love, it's really not your business. Much like that saying "What you think about me is none of my business" or something to that effect. It's YOUR love, you own it!!