A situation a friend of mine found herself in today reminded me of the time one of my friends basically decided to literally "break-up" with another friend of ours. Just like how a romantic relationship comes to an end, this friend decided that she no longer wanted to have anything to do with this other friend, and so she sat her down and well...dumped her!
I know this might sound dramatic but it kind of really was, it was a serious thing because this was a friend that she spent most of her time with on campus. They had the same classes everyday, hung out during free periods, loved each other and everything. People thought they were best friends even but one of them no longer liked the fact that the ones reputation was somehow being associated with her. Even when she wasn't at a certain place, people would assume she was because they saw the other girl. And she really began to hate this as for one, they actually had very different lifestyles and were very different people but had somehow stuck together since well when they started in first year they had known each other in high school.
From what I've observed men and women make friends very differently. For one, I think guys can just become friends by drinking together and somehow a friendship gets formed out of that. But for women it's not always so easy. Generally we will be concerned about the type of person you are, whether we have similar interests etc. But at times it can happen that you become friends with someone out of sheer convenience. As in, in any other setting, you would not be friends, but since you're kind of stuck together in a particular environment, you become friends. And usually as soon that condition no longer prevails you find yourself wondering why you are friends and usually just drift apart. I guess this particular friend of mine really just couldn't wait for the eventual death of this friendship and she took matters into her own hands. There has only been one occasion for me personally where I had to tell someone I could no longer be their friend but I won't get into the complicatedness of that situation. So I really can't be a judge of what is one to do when they come to a point of having to break-up with a friend because their relationship just doesn't work for them anymore. I mean, is it even necessary? Or should you just wait it out and let them get the hint when you no longer invite them out or try to keep in contact with them? Would they even get the hint? Or is it fair to perhaps tell your friend how they are hurting you as in a grown-up relationship and see if they are interested in making amends or not?
The closest relationships I've had with women can honestly be paralleled with romantic relationships, minus the romance of course. When I was in high school I had this friend of mine and we called each other 'Friend mates' kind of as a substitute for 'Soul Mates' because we cared that much about each other & thought we were destined to be friends. Anyway,we drifted apart somewhere down the line & I can't remember the last time I spoke to her. I have only ever been able to have one best friend at a time, I do have other close friends but I just need one person who I know will be there no matter what and I don't really care if the other friends in my life are unreliable, I will just make it a point to be unreliable in their lives as well.
I've also not had an experience of being in a huge group of friends because I just like to keep my circle tight like that. There are disadvantages of this though because you can suddenly find yourself having to make new friends because none of the people in your circle are physically around you anymore. This happened to me when my best friend moved to another city and I suddenly realized how I hadn't bothered to make any other friends because she was always around & we did everything together. And I wasn't dating anyone at the time so it made it infinitely worse. Anyway, I can't say even now, 3 years later, that I've made a conscious effort to make friends in light of this situation I found myself in but I have made a good friend or two since then,not as a replacement, but additions to my circle of friends. But like being in a romantic relationship, there are just things you miss doing with your friends, like hanging out with them, knowing they are there to talk to and that they will understand your exact kind of neurosis. Just like you miss being in romantic relationship, for reasons similar to those.
But friendships do end as with romantic relationships but at least with the romantic relationship you usually have a clear reason why unless there are really people out there who break up with people by just disappearing from their lives without a real explanation. I hope not. With a friendship you can generally just drift apart from someone & somehow find them not being around & you just accept it and move on. I recently reconnected with a friend of mine that I drifted apart from and we both can't remember why. We were really good friends in high school & my mom would ask me every now again where she is & how come I'm not friends with her anymore & I never had an answer. She's not the only friend that this has happened with. Mostly high school friends though. And I guess people will say that we changed and grew apart, you know reasons like that but I honestly can't remember there ever being a definitive reason for why those friendships ended. And if you do reconnect with those people, is it naive to think that those friendships could go back to the way they were? Anyway, I'm going to try with this one friend of mine because when I saw her recently, I realized how much I had missed her.
Anyway, what I was really getting at here was really more a question of when is it OK to officially give up on a friendship and be like hey man, I no longer want to know you, I no longer want to be your friend so get to steppin'...
Must there be a big confrontation where you have it all out or should you just quietly disappear from their lives and one day they'll wake up and you're gone and they will just have to deal with it?
I don't know, for me it would depend on the person and the reasons why I felt we could no longer be friends...there are some people I would try to give an explanation to and there are some who I'd just walk away from.
Either way, be good to your friends, don't treat them like crap but unlike family that you are stuck with, you choose them & so they generally are a reflection of you so choose them wisely.
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